Cine Beaverhausen: Mission Impossible ~ Rogue Nation & Trainwreck

Viewing the fifth Mission Impossible movie and Amy Schumer's Trainwreck back-to-back tonight was virtually a study of what's wrong at the movies today (outside of the price of popcorn).

Trainwreck is sophomoric and silly with no particular cinematic style as directed by Judd Apatow. It's like a tv skit that goes on for what feels like forever, even though it's just under 90 minutes.

Pretty much a by-the-numbers modern comedy, the film is well titled as it crashes early on. It's indulgent and, unfortunately, a rather knee-jerk sort of film. Worst of all, it's just not funny.

Tom Cruise is no James Bond, as proven by Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, the fifth in a rather dreary chain of action flicks. Watch tv reruns of the classic '60s series rather than go to the movie theater for this reboot. With all its pyrotechnics, it made me yearn for the simple cleverness of the original Impossible Mission team. I also enjoyed the series as a great ensemble show; not a star vehicle.

This script has Tom Cruise's Ethan Hunt character going rogue after the CIA Chief, Alec Baldwin, convinces the US Senate to disband the Impossible Mission Force. Cruise goes after a group known as the Syndicate (a poor man's SPECTRE), up to no good and supporting the rogue nation of the title.

Cruise did many of his own stunts, which is impressive. Basically, that's the only thing in this film that I found notable. My conclusion on the state of many films today is that, while elaborately produced or even strongly directed, they are not well written. Good movies start with good scripts. As true today as it was yesteryear.

Ricky Martin Made It Cool to Come Out

Peek-a-boo!

Suddenly, the idea that coming out of the closet means death to a celebrity's career has been challenged. Do you hear that, Travolta and Cruise?

Anderson Cooper just came out. His show on CNN, 360, might even get a bounce from it. Not to be upstaged, Frank Ocean came out. That hip-hop homo may see a career boost, as I'm sure his manager already counted on. The old stigma against being gay -- or, at least, openly so -- just doesn't seem to hold in our modern age.

Martin, who had been dogged by gay rumors before coming out in 2010, pretty much appears to be the trendsetter. Of course, perhaps the person we really have to thank is Barbara Walters, whose infamous 2000 interview with Ricky turned awkward once the anything-for-a-good-cry-and-a-scoop Missy W tried to out the singing superstar.

In 2010, prior to Martin's coming out, yenta-for-pay Barbara told The Toronto Star, "I pushed him very hard to admit if he was gay or not, and the way he refused to do it made everyone decide that he was. A lot of people say that destroyed his career, and when I think back on it now I feel it was an inappropriate question."

The out-&-proud Ricky went on The View in 2010 to assure Walters he harbored no resentment. But, hell, her interview single-handedly sent his then-meteoric career into the toilet bowl for a time! He even got blowsy looking and (gasp!) put on weight! And then he came out -- and came back -- with a vengeance!

Gay daddy

Martin -- or, at least, his agent -- made gay pay. And this is the blueprint that people like Anderson Cooper had to work with. Anderson should send Ricky a "thank you" note, as far as I'm concerned.

Ricky was on the cover of The Advocate, interviewed with his family in Vanity Fair (appearing on the cover of the magazine's Spanish version), and saw his autobiography, Me, become a New York Times best-seller (debuting at number five on the Hardcover Nonfiction list). A Spanish-language edition entitled Yo was published simultaneously, also a huge hit.

Martin premiered his "Ricky's Lip Conditioner" lip balm in April 2012 as part of the M.A.C Cosmetics "Ricky and Nicki for Viva Glam" campaign. The advertisements paired him with rapper Minaj. A gigantic ad prominently went up in Times Square. Mmm, Ricky's Lip Conditioner. Now that's a beautiful thought! Ricky also hit Broadway in a broad way when he assayed the role of Che Quevera in the revival of the musical, Evita!

Ricky's 2011 album soared to #3 on the US Billboard chart (#1 US Billboard Latin chart). "Freak of Nature" was a huge hit at clubs last summer and Ricky's gay fans -- old and newly found -- were on board with that one.

So Senor Martin is a trailblazer. Closeted celebs take note. You, too, can become a beloved gay icon! Of his deer-in-the-headlights response to the Barbara Walters interview, Ricky now says:

They would say to me, ‘If you have a girlfriend, don’t say so, because your fans are going to be disappointed.’ Imagine if it had been a boyfriend! This is the mentality I grew up with. I was onstage with Menudo since I was 12 years old. To us, the most successful one was the guy with the most fans. If you moved your hips and the girls screamed, you were getting it right. Who wouldn’t want to be like Elvis or Jim Morrison!

Like Garland or, better yet, Mr. Jackson, Ricky Martin was a child star. Unlike Michael, Martin has always stayed very grounded. But, Ricky, I have a feeling we're not in Menudo any more! Just keep those hips shakin' till they need to be replaced, bebe! You're so over that rainbow!

Check out Ralphi Rosario's remix of "Freak of Nature" and take a dance on the wild side:

The Gingerbread House of Bay Ridge

It's in showing guests the stately homes of Bay Ridge, just west of Third Avenue, that's an adventure for me as well. And so, with cousins Walter and Susan, we took the tour to the waterfront (with its own view of the river running into the briny bay, the Verazzano Bridge sparkling to one side and, to the other, the isle of Manhattan, both glistening in the sun amidst the stretch of barges, docked cruise boats and the tour boats up and down the waters).

The river breezes cooled us off, but it was a hot, sunny New York city day in any event. En route, however, we stopped to marvel at Bay Ridge's Gingerbread House. This home is perfect for any hobbit. Albeit, one with a pot'o'gold. That would exclude yours truly. I'd love to nibble nibble on this house, but alas and alack!

The landscaping of lawn and garden around the home, alone, must command a hefty upkeep. When the house went up for sale in 2009, the asking fee was $12 million. That's a lot of gingerbread, sweeties! A real estate source was quoted as saying that the estate “has a bowling alley in the basement and a revolving garage door. All they have to do is push a button, and the entire garage floor shifts so they never have to back out.” Outside, it also has an impressive faux-thatched roof that's both wavy and surreal.

Officially known as the Howard E. and Jesse Jones House, this incredible place looks like something directly out of a Grimm brothers' fairy tale. Hence, its nickname. It is an official New York City landmark, to boot.

The grand, ultra-bourgeoise, Mediterranean-styled mansions of exclusive Shore Road, with their ornate decks and pools, private marble entrance ways and driveways, large pillars and hanging gardens in the summer, take a back seat to the uniqueness of the Gingerbread House.

The Gingerbread House sits at 8220 Narrows Avenue in an exclusively residential area of this Brooklyn neighborhood. It would appear the home, built in 1917, has a new owner, but he or she remains unannounced. "The current owners may just want to keep it that way, never answering the door no matter how many times we knocked," reported The Brooklyn Paper.

Hansel and Gretel, please note.

Meanwhile, in Manhattan, Katie Holmes found new digs away from Tom Cruise, pronto, for Suri and self this Independence Day weekend.  It's in Chelsea (which, actually, is where Tom might consider relocating, frankly, to better suit his lifestyle). A neighbor at the Chelsea Mercantile building told E! News, "This building knows celebrities from the day it has been opened.... The list is long. It is like Hollywood in the east, the Dakota of Chelsea."

It's reportedly a two-bedroom, two-and-a-half-bath apartment for about $12,500. A month, that is. That's a lot of gingerbread, too. Maybe she'll visit Dj Buddy Beaverhausen's favorite Chelsea boutique, Rainbows & Triangles, where she'll discover the best in dance-music cds.