The Five Most Fabulous Men Under My Christmas Tree

The Rockerfeller Center tree is up and New York City is aglow with more lights than usual because it's holiday season. Such a happy time of year but equally tragic when all the lights and decorations are taken down shortly after the new year.  I am currently reminded, however, that as tomorrow is December 1st, it's time to compose my Christmas list for that hunky Mr Santa Claus, envisioned by moi as seen above. Love the sparklers, and I hear he's got a big roman candle to boot!

As for presenting dear Santa with my Christmas list, I so so so want the Joan Crawford and Mommie Dearest wallets from Rainbows & Triangles in Chelsea (pictured amongst the collection at right). But, modestly priced, I could easily purchase them myself; no need to bother Mr Claus.

There's the pricey little leopard-skin print Christopher Radko-designed Cyndi Lauper Christmas ball at Bloomingdale's that would be perfect for my tree. And there's the sexy John Varvados scarf for $248 plus tax that I'm qvelling over. Of course, Santa, since you won't be staying after you've tasted my cookies and milk (busy guy that you are, going up and down my chimney), you could always leave me one of my five currently most fabulous men, tied up with a big bow on top.

Well, there's the tall, Irish-looking, redhead personal trainer (I imagine, since he's always wearing spiffy athletic gear to work with no apparent change of outfit) with the humungous sneakers. And there's the Slavic guy with chiseled features, stubble and sexy dark eyes who always wears fatigues and a trendy scarf this time of year. I usually see at least one of these hotties on my morning commute. Unfortunately, I can't Google their images for the prurient interest of my gentle readers. But, Santa, you know who I mean and should add them as Fabulous Men numbers 6 and 7, thank you.

But now, I turn to more well-known men to comprise the Top 5 on my Christmas List:

#1: Channing Tatum.

'Nuff said.

#2: Zeb Atlas. I may have spoken ill about his ability as a disco divo http://djbuddybeaverhausen.blogspot.com/2011/09/zeb-atlas-in-discoworld.html
but that doesn't mean I'd kick the big lug out of bed, Santa!

#3: Daniel Craig. 007? Yes. Stirred, not shaken. Is that a pistol in his pocket or is he just happy it's Christmas? He could make the earth move under my sheet... and the sky fall! Good to see him back in action (on the big screen, I mean) with buns as hard as steel. Surly, scruffy British guys are my weakness. Well, one of my weaknesses!

#4: Cheyenne Jackson.

I really don't have to explain him, do I?

#5: Ricky Martin. He looks better with age and even sexier since coming out.

Hot stuff for cold weather.

So, if anyone reading this wants to be my secret Santa and send me one (or more) of these five Fabulous Men, please feel free in the crazy spirit of the season. Any of the above would be the gift that keeps on giving. Hopefully! Please include a magnum of quality champagne and flutes (glass, not plastic). Otherwise, the John Varvados scarf and Radko Christmas ornament will do nicely.

Merry Christmas. I love you, Santa!

In conclusion, I'll turn things over to The Weather Girls in their 1983 video:

Zeb Atlas in Discoworld

Although I consider myself egalitarian, I'm afraid I have to add the disclaimer that, when it comes to porn stars, they don't all measure up, especially when stalking into the realm of song. Andrea True certainly opened the door crooning the disco classic (and one-time "Sex & the City" theme song) "More More More" with topless model Samantha Fox and Traci Lords tramping the path to dancefloor divadom behind her. Perhaps a new trail was blazed by studly crooner Colton Ford, crossing over from the gay all-male meat market to the disco stage. And now it is none other than 6'3" Zeb Atlas who steps off the bimbo jet and onto the red carpet, only to trip over his big, clumsy feet. The difference between Colton and Zeb? Talent and a touch of elan, I'm afraid.

Colton Ford, nee Glenn Soukesian, is easily one of the handsomest of the gay-porn lot. I've passed him on the street in New York where he's still a looker (though scaled down to mortal size; no longer the amazing, colossal porn god of video fantasies). Glenn began as a professional singer but segued into adult films due to natural talents other than vocal. He quit the porn industry to return to legitimate singing as a club artist, now with his porn-star-anointed name and credentials, and all this is the subject of the documentary movie, "Naked Fame."

Zeb, on the other hand, shares no similar background. Instead, he comes from a strong physical grounding in body building, personal training, modeling and -- well, -- go-go dancing (gotta call it what it is). Not that that's a bad thing, but it gets tired when a boy hits 40.

And so the opportunity to go disco came our big guy's way with a cover of Diana Ross' "Love Hangover," a promo mix by hiNRG producer/remixer Laurent Schark coming across my desk yesterday. The problem at heart: Zeb doesn't sing, not by any standard with any amount of auto-tuning or vocoding, making our Britney sound like a blythe nightingale by comparison. So they brought in Pearly Gates (not a porn star but her name sounds like one) to do most of the showy vocals. Zeb, grunting his part as if hung over but from something other than love, would be sub-par to any construction worker pulled in half-heartedly from his day job.

Zeb can't dance, Zeb can't break a move, Zeb can't smile convincingly. Zeb can still look hot, Zeb can pose, Zeb can do the Elvis lip-curl and Zeb can still be that masochistic fantasy of superior malehood in your dreams. But don't take my word, check out the original mix in the video below (an audio production that owes a debt to the style of Ian Levine), already a YouTube and bloggers' sensation. Lady Gaga, Adele (and Diana Ross for that matter) remain unthreatened. For those of you who have claimed the music industry has become all about image, the proof is in the pudding: