Pumping Irony, part 1

There's nothing like looking through a disc full of pictures of myself, anticipating how eternally young and sexy I'm going to look, to bring me face to face with harsh reality. They say the camera adds an extra five pounds. But, honeys, Dj BB's gotta face facts: It's time to diet and get back to the gym cuz we're not talking five or even 10 pounds any more. And, as far as that disc is concerned, the medium was the fucking message! And the message was: "Bitch, you so fat!"

But working out is hard! I mean, I love the shower/sauna/applying creams and grooming part that follows the exercise; I just don't like exercising in and of itself. If only I could pay someone to do the grunt work for me and I'd receive the physical benefits of it. I don't need a trainer; I need a surrogate! Can you fucking believe it doesn't work like that! This is what puts the hell in health clubs.

I get on the dreaded scale. I'm aghast at the digital figure that appears at my feet in bright red numerals yet! The writing's on the floor! I've got an awful lot of work ahead of me. Better grab a brewski and contemplate where to cut calories.

I've got to diet! I buy a head of iceberg lettuce at the supermarket. I ask my friends in the deli downstairs to shred it on their meat slicer. This will be my only food over the next two days, I tell myself. I later pick up the phone and have Chinese food delivered from Mr Tang, deciding I'm really not all that into lettuce.

I've been through all the diet fads through all the years to varying, yo-yo-like effect. Well, yo, yo, listen up! The nothing-but-fruit diet gave me diabetes; I rather liked the spuds (potato) diet, the all-ice cream diet and the beer diet, though I gained weight on all three. The South Beach Diet was pretty good. Though, at the start, you can barely eat anything. (No carbs, alcohol, dairy... Screw South Beach, man!) My last gay doctor recommended it to me. Said it worked for him. The bitch had three freakin' pounds to lose; of course it worked for him! He was probably on it for a day!

I don't believe Jared lost all that weight by eating Subway sandwiches all the time, no matter their healthier choices. I went on a Blimpie's diet once! Only to discover there's a reason it's named Blimpie.

My cousin, Sherry, is a nurse. She sent me a hospital diet menu that was largely composed of eating hot dogs (no rolls), ice cream, peanut butter and grapefruit. Still don't know what the fuck that was about. I was in the hospital on a restricted diabetic's diet once. They fed me Wonder Bread! No wonder St Vincent's went out of business.

Dr Atkins' diet was a little too protein-rave with little balance or parameters. Then he died of his own diet and I became a complete disbeliever. And Jean Harris shot the Scarsdale Diet doctor. So much death to the dieticians! Kind of a turn-off regarding their diet theories, wouldn't ya think.

People who become vegans lose weight for the most part. Not the late Laura Nyro, however, but I think that's because she gave up heroin and started drinking a lot of booze to get herself high. Didn't hurt her career; didn't help either. When I was in my early to mid twenties, I was 118 pounds (at 5'5"). I had a size 28 waistline; I sometimes shopped in the Boys departments! But then Karen Carpenter croaked and I decided to eat again. Plus, I gave up blow. (God, it was so wonderful to rub on my gums; gave me that extra-special smile!)

The best diet, by far -- it is my belief -- is Weight Watcher's. They gave me a little scale to weigh food quantities at the start. At one point, I slavishly weighed everything (except myself), even when vacationing on The Pines, much to my hosts' annoyance. You can eat, actually, quite a bit regarding WW's portion and calorie controls. And you can eat just about everything. Plus I love their low-fat mayo! I was so competitive at Weight Watchers meetings, I ate only string beans and yogurt just to win the badge every week. WW brought out my inner bitch. (Ok, so maybe not so "inner"!) Now, an average-guy spokesperson for Weight Watchers Men Online, says he didn't have to give up burgers and beer. Maybe I'll sign up. I did lose a lot of weight on WW. Whattaya think?

Making an iTunes playlist for returning to Crunch tomorrow (or at least this week sometime). Won't include Martha Wash and Aretha, or I'll be inspired to chow down on a Junior's cheesecake while on the treadmill. Tell you all about my return to the gym tomorrow (or sometime soon). Chow!  Err..., I meant, ciao, bambinos!

Bette knows from weight. Check out this video: