The New Moviegoing Experience, USA 2012

The shit has hit the fans! This morning, I learned of the tragic shooting spree that occurred during a midnight screening of The Dark Knight Rises in Colorado. It left 12 moviegoers dead and at least 50 wounded. I know the studio releasing that film wanted to make a killing but I'm not sure this is what they had in mind! I mean, God bless the couch potatoes who sit on their fat, flabby asses, waiting for everything to come out on DVD and Blu-ray. And pass the bowl of buttered popcorn with the M&Ms mixed in because these people may have discovered the secret to longevity if acting out ultra-violent impulses is to be a trend at multiplexes in America.

From now on, when you tell people you just saw a movie that's to die for, Dark Knight Rises may be the first thing that comes to their minds!

What happened in Colorado may be the kind of sensational publicity one just can't buy, or it may backfire and scare people away. France cancelled the film's premiere in their country, for example. Zut alors!

The psycho killer, 24-year-old James Holmes, believed himself to be Batman's nemesis, The Joker.  Ray Kelly, the commissioner of NYPD, commented “It clearly looks like [Holmes is] a deranged individual" Love that Kelly; he is so astute! Crazy as it is, there's motivation to the madness, I guess; the "Joker" wants to destroy Batfans. Honestly, I thought, at first, this might have been a new form of extreme film criticism or that someone was trying to reinvent Sensurround!

Apparently, Joker Holmes left his bombing devices at holmes... uh, I mean home. He only brought his tear gas and guns to the movie. Holy disorganization, Batman! And to think I felt guilty for smuggling bottled water into the Chelsea Clearview!

"Who wants to die for Art?" Divine shouts from the stage in John Waters' Female Trouble. "I do!" cries a fan, and Divine shoots him, then fires into the fleeing audience. Life imitates art (and, especially, John Waters) once again.

The nihilistic violence and darkness of the latest Batman reboot, with Christian Bale in the title role, may have helped create this new movie's deranged karma last night. Did anyone ever get shot watching Adam West as Batman on tv? I rest my case.

What may have seemed, to a modern crowd, to be the ultimate 3-D action experience soon turned into a nightmare for moviegoers in that Aurora, Colorado cineplex. I studied at University of Colorado in Boulder (or at least I matriculated and graduated) at the foothills of the Rockies and I remember it only as a peaceable place. So, then I wonder what they put in the cans of Coors in burgs like Aurora and Columbine.

When Sparkle opens in Manhattan this August, with Whitney and Jordan Sparks, will some gay maniac burst into the theater and throw jars of Boy Butter at everyone's heads? Screaming fans fleeing as the smoke machine and disco lights obscure their views of the exits? And the soundtrack to the original version of the film blasting on the gayniac's boombox?

NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg chastised both President Obama and Mittzi Romney for their platitudes without the solutions to the problems of violence in America and, especially, as regards the issue of gun control. Bloomberg has been very active regarding gun control in New York. And the City is safer for it. We don't worry much any more about being held up at gunpoint. We just never know when someone's going to fly a 747 into a skyscraper.

But, thanggod for NYC gun control because there's no shortage of pissed off New Yorkers, honey! Why, some days, if I had an uzi, I'd use-y in the mor-or-ning, I'd use-y in the eeeev'nin', all over this land.... But I don't pack heat. Well, at least, not a gun!

It was a weird week at the cinema generally, though. Fred Willard was caught with his pants down (literally) in the tacky Tiki XXX-rated movie theater in L.A. on Wednesday evening and arrested for "lewd conduct." Hey, it was a hot night! I cannot compete with The Huffington Post's account of this, however:

"[Willard] was spotted by authorities with his 'penis exposed and in his hand.' The 72-year-old 'Anchorman' actor was arrested at 8:45 p.m.and released from police custody not long after.... Willard isn't the first -- and certainly won't be the last -- celebrity to be caught in this kind of sticky situation.

"In 1995, Hugh Grant was arrested for 'lewd conduct' after picking up a prostitute on Hollywood's Sunset Blvd. and driving a short distance before authorities caught them in 'the act.'

"Three years later, George Michael was arrested in a Beverly Hills public bathroom after an officer 'observed Mr. Michael engaged in a lewd act.'"

May I, Dj Buddy Beaverhausen, be the first to suggest these guys form a support group and invite Pee Wee Herman, too?  Huffington's writer of this... errr... piece, Kiki Von Glinow (no shit!), ends her article thusly: "Perhaps not so ironically, Willard's next project is said to be the forthcoming flick 'The Yank.'"

I hate to think of Willard as a dirty old man, but a hand jive at the movies is better than a handgun! Don't you think? Let's all have a Kiki (von Glinow) on that remark!

Music video below: