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Saturday, September 27, 2014

Video Beaverhausen: Hercules Vs. Noah

Whoa, it's Noah in a sexier incarnation on-screen. I mean, the last time I saw Noah represented in a film, it was John Huston in The Bible. So, this is a step up, no matter that Crowe looks weathered and a bit bloated since his salad days.

But here he is, B.C., and all ecology and animal-rights minded. Not to mention a total action hero, not too much unlike Mad Max. Jennifer (I'll Do Anything) Connelly plays his wife, Emily Watson's aboard this ark (much drama from the child), and Anthony Hopkins shows up as Methusalah (not in need of much in the way of make-up effects). Some crazy sci-fi-like creatures appear courtesy of absurd CGI effects.

This shit is plain crazy when presented as a feature film. I honestly can't think of anybody reaching for this video as part of his/her Rosh Hashanah home celebration. So drawn out, at one point I screamed: "Get to the ark, already!" It took forever! I could read the entire Old Testament in the time it took this film to tell its story.

Of course, I've always wondered what that boat smelled like, what with no toilet facilities and all those animals! And it has always kind of bugged me that they brought along the dodo only so it could go extinct. I give this film the bird.

As for Hercules, it was filmed in Eastern Europe. That means Dwayne is not shirtless because of temperatures, which is against the whole point of my watching this. No, The Rock's all covered up Kevin Sorbo-like (as that series was filmed in New Zealand).

Once the legendary mythological adversaries are shown in the film's prologue, it quickly develops into a 300 Spartans wannabe. Ian McShane, John Hurt and Rufus Sewell show up for a paycheck.

Yawn! Bring back Steve Reeves. Both films from Paramount.

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