Advising Janet Jackson

Janet & Paris during happier -- I mean sadder! -- times

I can't comprehend the whole Jackson family's jumble of idiotic antics and unnecessary drama, nor will I waste any time paying attention to their current bad behavior. (When Dj Buddy Beaverhausen considers something too trashy, you know this dysfunctional family of funk stars has hit a new low.) All I would like to say on the matter is: Yo, Janet! Stop squandering your energy wrestling with your niece, Paris (Michael Jackson's daughter), trying to snatch her cell phone and reportedly slapping her nasty little face to boot!

According to The New York Post, Janet inexplicably called Paris "a spoiled little bitch!" (unlike her own self), to which Little Miss Bitch lashed out,  "This is our house. Not the Jackson family house. Get the fuck out!” Well, Jans, there you have it! Seems a little unwelcoming as far as I can tell.

Work on getting a hit song instead of werq'n this shit, Janet honey! You don't need it! Now, wrangle with that news. How's about a new dance album instead of mud wrestling with a tween? Or write a fan letter to Michelle Obama and plaster it all over the Internet for publicity, just like Beyonce did! Beyonce is full of great ideas on how to keep yourself in the news, like by having a baby for instance. I mean, at 46, a girlfight with a 14-year-old relative isn't so attractive any more. Just a little piece of advice from Buddy B. But, hey, I have more for you!

I know you must have enjoyed cashing all those checks from Nutrisystem when you started their diet earlier this year. But being a Kirsty Alley wannabe also seems to be beneath you. Then, again, it didn't hurt Jennifer Hudson, but she didn't blowse back up like Kirsty either, which you're prone to do. When they called you "cheeky" in the UK, they were speaking about your ass. You know, you're one of the few stars whose career moves actually made me lose respect for you. Maybe you need new management! Feel free to call Buddy Beaverhausen for a career makeover. I'll send you my number in a private message, awaiting your eager reply.

For one thing, I'd suggest another wardrobe malfunction. ASAP, Ms Jackson! And how is it that, lately, LaToya seems to be the sensible sister? That's a bad sign, Jannie girl, if you're asking me!

So, Miss Janet Damita Jo Jackson -- if I may humbly call you that for short -- it's gonna be Good Times and Fame all over again! Dj BB's gonna drag you out of the muck you're in. Why, Paris may be burning, but you needn't get scorched, bubala.

In 2007, you were one of the wealthiest female entertainers in the world, according to Forbes, and they should know.  What happened, Jannie? You can tell me. I won't let out a word, I'm known for my discretion. Do you really need Michael's money so badly? Did you really kidnap your own mother? (I guess that's called an intervention as long as you're feeding her. You are, right?) Oh, Janet, come clean! And let me turn you into the disco goddess you were always meant to be! It worked for Kelly Clarkson.

~~ Sincerely, Dj Buddy Beaverhausen