Cine Beaverhausen: Fifty Shades of Grey

When I first saw the novel Fifty Shades of Grey in the bookstore, I thought for sure it had something to do with the clothing selection at Banana Republic! Lo and behold, its fifty shades of purple prose told quite another tale. Now it is a major motion picture. "Curious?" asks the tagline on the poster ads. Well, yes, I Am Curious (Yellow, not Grey), as a matter of fact, which is why, on this cold, snowy day in New York, I decided to watch the promo dvd that's been lying on my desk.

In terms of cinematic erotica with an s&m theme, Fifty Shades of Grey is no Last Tango in Paris; not The Story of O; oh, hell, it's not even 9 1/2 Weeks! "Lose control" is what some poster ads shouted out but, oh, honey, if I lost control, I'd have shut this shit off. Why, I even tried to pray the Grey away!

The storyline, such as it exists, is about a college student who interviews a wealthy and socially powerful young business tycoon, only to begin an affair and let the spankings begin. I've seen porn films more heavily plotted than this. Dakota Johnson and Jamie Doran are attractive leads, certainly, but their acting is less than stellar. Somehow, Marcia Gay Harden manages to show up in the middle of this muddle. Nearly woke me up!

Is it the point of Fifty Shades of Grey to show us that bondage can be boring, too? In any event, it all seemed uncomfortably like a Republican wet dream put on celluloid. It's male-dominated, all-white, all that there. A sequel is already threatened. In fact, I'm scripting a spin-off right now, I'm calling it The 57 Varieties of Heinz.

Fifty Shades was released theatrically early in the month to coincide with Valentine's Day weekend. It ain't Romeo & Juliet. In fact, it's one of the most anti-romantic movies I can imagine. Taking a date to this would be insane. You'd end up looking like a wolf in cheap clothing. And as far as warming me up this cold day in NYC, it left me searching for my electric blanket and that Czech video about the five army buddies who get drunk and.....